EPIC Fanfic
by MentallyStimulated11
Summary: Follow the story of 4 vampires as they aspire to make the world a safer place. On their EPIC journey, they encounter some rather strange obstacles, and some even stranger characters. Eventually a Crossover with EVERYTHING! Plz R&R!
1. In Which Sam and Cindy Discuss Cake

The EPIC Crossover Fan-Fiction.

A/N Drama, comedy, Mary Sues as main characters……random dead guys who pop in when ever they feel like it, this story has it all! I own nothing but the notebooks it is written on. Seriously, at the beginning of our 11th grade year my best friend and I decided to write a story. In the beginning, it was supposed to be in the Twilight Fandom, but then we started discussing it and we decided that we should turn ourselves into VAMPIRE! Mary Sues and insert ourselves in the story. Of course, then we needed some super hot vampire boyfriends. Since we figured that Buffy wouldn't mind if we used hers, Spike and Angel became major characters as well. With those four characters in mind we started writing, and the story took on a mind of it's own. Fun, dramatic, outrageously funny, and incredibly out there at times; we've filled 2 1/2 notebooks with it so far, so if you like this there is plenty more where it came from. So welcome to The EPIC Crossover Fan-Fic. By EPIC, I mean that this story story eventually contains EVERYTHING. Please read and review.

**And so it begins…………………….**

The night was dark, as in like- freakishly dark. So dark in fact, that it was nearly impossible for a normal human to see anything. Seriously, it was truly that dark. Two figures moved swiftly through the thickest of shadows. Silently they approached a tall building. One who appeared to be rather tiny stopped a little behind the other and appeared to be sniffing the air around her. Her eyes widened with excitement at what she discovered.

"They are coming," Sam, the small blond who had just sniffed the air whispered to her friend. Cindy turned and nodded agreement, her scarlet eyes shining in anticipation for the hunt.

Sam turned so as to be facing the same direction as her friend, her eyes shining just as red. She continued to sniff.

"Ooh, three kids, a wife and a dog."

"Sounds delicious!" Cindy whispered, "I like a man with a family."

And together they stepped gracefully toward the building so the light of the half-moon didn't illuminate their pale skin in any way. They disappeared into the shadows just as the doors flew open and people began spilling through them.

Sam instantly stiffened as the odor of life pouring off of so many humans threatened to over-power her, "Crap."

The word would have been completely inaudible to human ears. Cindy grabbed her arm and pulled her into the alleyway next to the building. "Looks like its take-out tonight."

"Great, just grab a few and then it's back to the lair." Sam nodded in agreement, they'd done the same thing many times before.

"Right, see you there." agreed Cindy, turning the go off and hunt her dinner. Sam waited until her friend was out of sight, then she followed silently.

~~

* * *

Cindy walked amongst the people leaving their workplace into the parking lot. As she did so, she noticed that over to the side of the lot there were two men approaching their vehicles deep in conversation. Intimate conversation. In her hunger, she had completely forgotten about the family. Indeed, as much as she enjoyed the thrill of watching the man's family life flash before his eyes as her sharp teeth bit into his jugular, she much preferred the scrumptious aroma of a secret love affair. Silently and stealthily she grabbed both men in one speedy movement and was gone before either was able to cry out.

~~

* * *

Meanwhile, Sam had slipped up behind her third victim.

"Hello Mr. Law Man," she whispered softly in his ear. Before he could jump or cry out, she clamped her hand firmly over his mouth, "you're going to forget about your cats and come with me now." She turned swiftly and walked away, the three men trailing mindlessly behind her.

~~

* * *

Two and a half minutes later, the girls reunited on a dark, deserted street.

"I found these two in a dark corner of the parking lot. They seem to know each other very well, if you know what I mean," Cindy said, grinning as she imagined her friend's reaction. There was absolutely no way that Sam's chosen victims of the night would be anywhere near as tasty.

Sam took a deep whiff of the air surrounding the two men her friend had ensnared, and nearly choked as she tried to stifle her laughter.

"What?" Cindy demanded, seeing absolutely no reason for her friend's hysterics, "What's so damn funny?"

"Cindy, of course these men seem to know each other well. They've known each other their entire lives," Sam said, a small grin played at her mouth, "as in, since they met in their mother's womb."

Needless to say, Cindy was flabbergasted, and slightly disappointed. She had planned to feed not only on the men's blood, but on their emotions as she forced one to watch as she drained the other. She was disappointed, but only slightly.

"Even better," she said, grin back in place. "Brothers are better than lovers anyway!"

Without saying another word, Sam walked out into the middle of the road to lift the seal off a man-hole and jumped down, pulling her victims in after her. Cindy did the same, carefully sealing the man-hole behind her.

Down in what should have been a sewer; Sam and Cindy, accompanied by their 'dinner', dropped into a narrow, dimly lit hallway. At the end of the hallway was a very plain looking, heavy iron door. Cindy pushed it open with ease, revealing a large room that did not appear to belong underground, it was far too large. There were several more doors along the walls facing in every direction.

"See ya after dinner," muttered Sam, easily tossing her 'meal' over her shoulder. Really she only needed one, but she liked to keep the fridge full. She dropped one, then opened a door off to the left. This was the room she referred to as the 'fridge'. It was dark, cold and full. The only connection between the people inside? They were all lawyers. Leaving the men behind, Sam exited the 'fridge'.

Once the door was closed, she shouldered her evening meal and disappeared down the hallway.

She entered her room. Painted a dark shade of purple with glitter laced into the paint, the room looked, not obnoxiously girly, but sort of cave-like. She flipped the switch and a bare overhead light bulb came on, illuminating the room.

Not being one to waste time, Sam slapped her victim across the face. She had chosen fairly, and honestly, she felt she was doing a great service to the public. Only draining dirty lawyers, she figured, helped far more than it actually hurt anyone.

This particular lawyer was being paid an outrageous sum of money to defend a man who was undoubtedly guilty and deserved much worse than prison. This lawyer, who had devised an entire scheme to get the man off, was as bad if not worse than his client……and Sam felt an intense need to destroy him.

She slapped him a second time, and that did it. As the man came to, he glanced around clearly confused.

"Where am I?"

"That really doesn't matter Mr. Dooman," Sam answered coolly, crossing to the mini-fridge, she pulled out a 12-OZ can of Diet Dr. Pepper, then turned back to Mr. Dooman, and the look on her face was the last thing he ever saw.

~~

* * *

Meanwhile, in another room one of Cindy's victims was snoring loudly. She laughed quietly to herself, wondering what sort of dreams this poor, dirty lawyer was having. She laughed again and placed the tip of her index finger on the man's forehead, forcing images into whatever kind of dream he was having. All of the horrible things he had ever done came pouring back to him in that moment.

The other alternated between cowering in the corner, and struggling against the chains she had used to contain him.

Cindy laughed for a third time, as the sleeping lawyer squirmed, uncomfortable in his peace-less sleep. Though some might have thought it cruel, she liked to make her dinner suffer as the victims she had carefully chosen had made others suffer.

Seconds before the scum released a scream of guilt and anguish, she moved her razor sharp teeth to his throat.

Later………………………………...............

After she finished her dinner, Sam once again shouldered the now very dead lawyer, and headed out into the hall. This time she turned right and entered a room through a bright green door that led to yet another hallway. After making three right turns and one left, Sam stopped again. She was now facing a red door. Opening it, she tossed Mr. Dooman in, and watched contentedly as he fell into the pit and was swept away by the darkness below.

"Fun, isn't it," sighed a happy voice behind her. A normal person probably would have jumped at the sudden intrusion, not Sam.

"It's no less than that scum deserves," she replied calmly, turning to face her friend.

"True," agreed Cindy, "On the bright side, Spike came to visit."

"Well," chuckled Sam, finding the abrupt change of topic to be rather awkward, "how 'bout I leave to two of you alone for the evening?"

"Aren't you even going to ask if Angel came with him?" demanded Cindy, beginning to sound concerned. She wondered vaguely if she had missed something.

"Did he?" Sam asked apathetically, as though she was completely unconcerned with the answer.

"Yeah actually."

The corners of Sam's mouth twitched into an almost smile, but never quite made it.

Together they walked slower than they usually would back down the hall away from the giant pit.

They entered a room that was very like a sitting room and well, sat down. Angel and Spike were sitting on the opposite side of the room, expecting their friends to join them. However, Sam and Cindy were already deep in conversation about the kinds of cake they had enjoyed when they were alive.

"I was partial to white cake, topped with just a little bit of melted butter and cinnamon, though of course it was hard to come by then…" Cindy mused.

"That does sound rather delightful," Sam admitted, "but back in my day, only the wealthy ever had any cake."

"Really?" Cindy asked, "I guess I liked it as a good treat when I could get my hands on some, which wasn't often, but it was good."

"I imagine it was," sighed Sam, leaning back on the couch.

Cindy quickly glanced at the other people in the room, a smile played at her mouth in amusement at their agitation, but she continued to drone on about cake.

Angel and Spike sat next to each other on a fluffy orange couch looking very uncomfortable. Angel had his arms crossed over his chest and was tapping his foot impatiently on the floor, while Spike's entire body seemed to vibrate slightly as he continued to watch the girls have their obnoxiously unimportant conversation about cake.

Spike, now pissed, rose from his seat.

"Hug me!"

For about five seconds everyone sat in stunned silence, then they all started laughing at the same time and before anyone could blink, Cindy was in his arms.

"What about me?" Angel demanded, uncrossing his arms and placing them on his hips. He looked rather childish.

"What about you?" questioned Sam, eyeing him with interest.

"Aren't you going to hug me?" demanded Angel, raising one eyebrow.

"Do you want me to hug you?" questioned Sam, mimicking his look with her own eyebrow.

"This is stupid," replied Angel, crossing the room to sit next to her, then placing his arm around her shoulders, "I guess I'll hug you then."

"Fine," replied Sam. As they observed this exchange, Spike and Cindy were unable to keep straight faces.

"You two are insane," remarked Spike; Cindy, from her position on his lap, nodded in agreement.

"You're the one who plays kitten poker," Sam reminded him.

"Kittens?" Cindy asked sounding surprised, looking expectantly at Spike, "Did you bring ME one?"

"As always," laughed Spike, grinning as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny, squirming, yellow kitten.

"Ooh yay!" Cindy exclaimed, taking the cat. She eyed it closely, "you need a name."

Meanwhile, Angel leaned over and whispered something into Sam's ear, making her almost smile. She gave the faintest of nods.

"I have to pee," Angel announced, stretching his arms over his head as he got off the couch. Spike nodded distractedly. Cindy however, looked at him suspiciously as Sam got up to follow.

"You're going to pee together?" she asked them, obviously suspicious of their intentions.

"Um," Sam attempted to think up a convincing alibi but failed, "yeah."

Cindy understood and let the subject drop. Sam and Angel left the room.

Once in the hallway, they turned not towards the bathroom, but the big gym-like training area where they liked to fight. When they reached the door, Angel turned to Sam and said,

"Now don't expect me to go easy on you this time."

"Please," snorted Sam, pushing the door open, "you never do, yet you usually lose anyway."

"Ha, I let you win!"

"Yeah, sure okay. Whatever." shrugged Sam, rolling her eyes and stepping slightly to her left just as Angel moved to tackle her. Not noticing that she had moved until it was to late, Angel slammed himself into the wall. 'This should be easy,' Sam thought to herself.

~~

* * *

While their friends fought, just for fun of course, Spike and Cindy sat on the floor of the sitting room and played with the kitten they had just named Rastis. It walked between them confusedly, meowing softly, occasionally pausing to rub it's head onto one of their hands. The two vampires found great amusement in the way it shied away at their cold touch.

~~

* * *

"Weak," Sam breathed into Angel's face, she had him pinned to the floor.

"Ha!" said he, "I hope you mean yourself." With this, he pushed up against her and tossed her off of him. He stood up before she had time to gather herself and was in a fighting stance.

"Ha!" it was Sam's turn to laugh, "your fly is open."

He looked down to inspect his pants and in an instant he was pinned again.

"Weak," Sam repeated.

"Hey, you cheated," complained Angel.

"No, you let your guard down."

"Ugh!"

"I really want a Dr Pepper…" sighed Sam, she was one of the few who could still taste things.

"Well go get one."

"No, you go get me one!"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm pinned to the ground."

"Oh," Sam stood up, and Angel instantly tried to pin her, but she saw it coming and stepped aside causing Angel to run right past her again. "Haha."

"Well…." Angel thought for a moment, trying to come up with a suitable insult. He settled on, "You're really short."

"Hey!" in half a second she was right up in his face. "I'm not short, I'm vertically challenged."

He rolled his eyes, then turned to go fetch a Dr Pepper. Sam moved to follow.

~~

* * *

After they retrieved the soda, they headed back toward the sitting room. Not wanting to walk in on anything questionable, they stopped and listened at the door.

Cindy was laughing.

"It's so tiny!" Sam and Angel glanced at each other, both having to fight hard to keep straight faces.

"It may be little, but I assure you it's strong." Spike said defensively.

Unable to stop themselves, Sam and Angel burst into the room to find Spike holding a struggling kitten trying to claw him an arms length away.

Sam and Angel shared a look of relief, then burst out laughing.

"Freakin' perverts," grumbled Cindy. The kitten twisted out of Spikes grasp. It clawed it's way up his arm and took up residence on his head. Cindy joined in the laughter as Spike swatted at the feline.

"Shut up," Spike glared at his friends. To the cat he said, "Hey, watch the hair!"

"Sorry," Cindy mumbled between gasps, "but you look absolutely ridiculous!"

This made Sam and Angel laugh even harder.

Cindy leaned forward and plucked the kitten off the top of Spike's head and placed it in her lap. It immediately jumped off, launching itself onto Angel's head. The laughter began again. This time Spike laughed too, Angel glared at them but was ignored. The kitten pawed around cutely, then settled itself. Curling it's tail around it's nose, it began to purr.

"Cute!" Cindy exclaimed. Sam nodded her agreement.

Angel tried to pull the kitten off his head but it dug it's claws into his scalp and refused to be removed. Finally giving up, he sighed and stalked off to sit on the sofa on the furthest end of the room and crossed his arms over his chest like and immature teenager. Sam sat down beside him, still giggling a little, and reached her arm up to pet the cat.

20 minutes later……………………………….....

It took awhile, but slowly everyone stopped laughing to the point where they could talk and breath normally (not that they needed to). Eventually, the room settled into silence as Spike and Cindy sat on a couch in hushed conversation with their heads close together. The kitten on Angel's head was now in deep sleep, and Sam had her nose in a book.

There came a loud knock.

"We know you're in there, open this door!"

"They found us," Cindy remarked conversationally.

"Dang," sighed Sam, "oh well, quick. Out the back." There came a loud slam, like that of something hitting the door with extreme force. Then they smelled the smoke.

"Fire," sighed Spike, "why are people always trying to kill me?"

* * *

A/N So, What'd ya think? Oh come on, if you're reading this note you've already read the chapter. Why not take a few more seconds and leave me a review?????? It would make me really happy.


	2. In Which Vampires Play Monopoly

(CHAPTER 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))))))

A/N Drama, comedy, author insertion……random dead guys who pop in when ever they feel like it, this story has it all! I own nothing but the notebooks it is written on. Seriously, I DO NOT own Spike, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, Grey's Anatomy, House, The Lion King, Degrassi, Boy Meets World, Twilight, Tales of the Blode, American Idol, Care Bears, R.O.U.S.', Charlie the Unicorn, The Wizard of Oz, Xena the Warrior Princess, Star Wars, Chief Boola Boola the Island Dweller from a question on some Physics homework I did a year ago, any of the historical figures and former presidents of the USA, Lord of the Rings, American Pie, or anything else you may recognize. Please read and review!!!!!

Sam pushed a button on the wall next to the back entrance, and with the sound similar to that of a rubber band snapping, the lair shrunk. Sam placed it in her pocket, and joined the others as they shoved against the heavy metal door of the back entrance, which was a second man-hole about a mile from the first. This one was far heavier because some incredibly bright person had sealed it with cement.

Finally though; they managed to pry it open, luckily they still had several hours 'til morning.

"So," Spike said brightly, glancing at his friends, "does anyone have a car?"

"Nope," sighed Sam, stuffing her hands into her pockets and hopping up and down on the balls of her feet, "I think there's a bus stop around here somewhere."

~~

~~

* * *

An hour later they got off the bus and holed up in an abandoned barn somewhere in the countryside to spend the day.

"I wish there was somewhere we could go where we wouldn't need to fear the sun," Cindy yawned as she stretched out on a bale of hay.

"We could go to Seattle," suggested Sam, "doesn't it usually rain there?"

"Yep," both males answered in unison.

"Then we'll start our journey tonight," decided Sam as she climbed up into the loft.

And there they slept………………………………..

~~

* * *

That night……….

As the sun went down, the four vampires began to move around the barn. Cindy was the first to rise, she glanced around at the others. Sam was in a heavy daze, both Angel and the cat on his head were sawing heavy logs (snoring loudly) and Spike was making strange noises.

~~~*Snore* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!~~~

Sam poked her head up in the loft, she looked confused. Cindy nodded towards Spike who *Snore* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!ed again, and tried really hard not to laugh. Sam rolled her eyes.

~~~*Snore* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!~~~

From inside one of the horse stalls there came a loud thud, followed by an even louder Meow.

Angel was now awake, as well as the cat on his head. He walked cautiously out into the interior of the barn where the others had slept.

~~*Snore* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!~~~

The kitten hissed and sank her claws even harder into his scalp.

"Stop that," Angel muttered to his head guest.

~~*Snore* Wheeeeeee!!!!~~

Cindy couldn't contain her laughter any longer. As she laughed hysterically, Sam started to climb down out of the loft.

As she noticed Angel beneath her, orange cat mixing with black hair like a bad toupee, she missed a step and fell the rest of the way to the ground, landing on Spike who was right in the middle of yet another, *Snore* Wheeee!!!!!!

"Ow!" three voices said in muttered as one. Cindy laughed even harder, unable to stop even as her friends glared menacingly at her.

Eventually the laughter ceased.

"Have you ever dreamed about Sauron's great eye?" Sam asked randomly.

"I have actually," replied Angel, extending his hand to help her up.

"Me too!" exclaimed Cindy, "Do you think it's a sign?"

"Ooh," exclaimed Spike, "maybe we're supposed to take the bloody ring of power to Mordor."

Sam rolled her eyes, "It's already been destroyed."

"Oh," Spike realized, he turned to Cindy, "Hey!"

"Hey! What?"

"Have you been tampering with our thoughts again?"

She tossed her white-blond hair over her shoulder, a look of complete innocence on her face, "It was not I."

Angel looked at her suspiciously.

"Anyway, we're burning night hours, where to from here?"

"Is Seattle okay with everyone?" Sam asked.

"Whoo Rain! Yay daylight!" exclaimed Cindy.

"I'm guessing that's a yes," Sam noted. Angel and Spike nodded, even though they both looked rather wary.

"Don't worry," Cindy reassured them, "there's hardly ever any direct sunlight, it's always mostly cloudy! And rainy!"

"Joy," Spike feigned enthusiasm.

"Then it's off to the bus stop."

"Lovely," It was Angel's turn at sarcasm.

Sam and Cindy led the way out of the barn, and ran silently to the nearest bus stop about fifteen miles from their day-resting spot. Angel and Spike followed less enthusiastically.

Not long after they arrived at the bus stop on the outskirts of a small town in Iowa, a bus stopped. They got on it.

Figuring that it would take a while, they stared absentmindedly out various windows. Cindy began to drool abit.

"The sun will come up soon," Sam commented monotonously after several hours of bus travel, "we should get off at the next stop."

And so they did, they had arrived in Ooh Camel Camel Camel Alabama….only they didn't know it yet.

"Where are we?" Spike wondered. "Surely we can't be in Washington already."

"Definitelynot Washington," agreed Cindy, glancing around for something to give them a clue as to where they were.

"There must be a sign somewhere," Sam said, also looking around.

"Oh good grief," groaned Angel standing thirty feet ahead to the group. He pointed towards a large billboard in the distance.

"Ooh Camel Camel Camel, Alabama," Sam groaned, "nowhere near Washington…..will you listen to that guy?" She pointed to a tall man on a platform, he appeared to be preaching to the crowd gathered around him.

"…….and it is the fault of the midgets that our hotdogs are lumpy! We must destroy the midgets! They ruin our economy and are obnoxiously short! They pee in our water, and THEY MAKE OUR HOTDOGS LUMPY!"

"Moron," Sam muttered.

"Okay, can you say WACKO?" Cindy agreed.

"Down with midgets!" chanted the crowd.

"Them northerners allow midgets to live in their lands, they are wrong! The south will rise, and the midgets will fall!" the man on the platform continued.

"There's one!" someone shouted.

"Crap," groaned Sam.

"Hey, I'm not short!" cried Spike, clearly thinking they were looking at him.

"Well you're over five feet tall," agreed some guy, he pointed to Sam, "she's not."

"I'm five foot and three fourths!" Sam argued. The guy pulled out a tape measure, she barely cleared the five foot mark, but she did it.

"Close enough," announced the guy on the platform, "kill the midget."

The guy with the tape measure pulled out a knife.

"Dufus," laughed Sam, just as the rest of the crowd charged, leaving the four vampires no choice but to defend themselves.

~~~*BLOODY, GORY VIOLENCE* yay violence!!!!!!!!~~~

Somehow they were able to escape the crowd and find an abandoned shack before the sun came up.

"You know what I want to do?" demanded Spike, "I want to play Monopoly!"

"Fine," replied Angel, "I call racecar."

"I wanna be the racecar," shouted Spike.

"Too bad," answered Angel, "I called it."

"You can be the boat," Cindy suggested, attempting to squash the same argument that always took place when they played Monopoly, "but I get the horsey."

"Hey, as long as I get to be the bomb, I don't care one way or another." commented Sam.

"There's no bomb in monopoly," argued Spike, smirking as her silliness.

"There is in this set," replied Sam, holding up a warped piece of metal, "they made the money bag incorrectly."

"I want to be the bomb," announced Angel, handing the racecar to Spike who held it in the air victoriously.

"Tough," argued Sam, "I'm the bomb."

"Fight ya for it," suggested Angel.

"Bring it," laughed Sam, who had him pinned in seconds.

"She's the bomb," agreed Cindy.

"Darn right I am," Sam replied smugly.

"Fine, I'll be the freakin' racecar." grumbled Angel.

"Nuh uh!" retorted Spike, "you gave it to me."

Cindy played absentmindedly with the horse. Sam looked into the box. Because of constant play, most of the pieces were missing.

"Here ya go," Sam tossed Angel a piece.

"The thimble?" he asked in disgust, "I have to be the THIMBLE?"

Sam smiled sweetly, and he gave in, despite the injury to his manly pride.

"He cheats," Spike stage whispered to Cindy who giggled knowing that this would get very competitive….if not violent.

"Meow?" suggested Rastis, from his perch atop Angel's head.

"That is a very good idea Rastis," agreed Cindy, scratching the kitten's ears. The cat finally allowed herself to be removed from the head. (nobody bothered to inform Angel that where his hair normally grew straight up, the cat had flattened it and he now looked rather odd).

With all players now on the 'start' square, the dice were handed to Angel who was the oldest, beating Sam by two days. Spike rolled after her followed by Cindy.

~~

~~

Four hours later, Sam owned half the board, Spike was stuck in jail, Cindy was silently collecting money on her two monopolies, and Angel owned everything else.

"You know," commented Cindy, "if you two were the evil, world dominating type, we'd be in big trouble."

Sam and Angel glanced at each other guiltily, causing Spike to snort.

"Hey BABE, hows about I buy those two railroads from you?" Angel asked Sam in a bad fake cowboy accent.

"Well HONEY," she replied, tossing the word commonly used to show affection at him with every ounce of sarcasm she could muster, "I might consider selling you one, but never both."

"And tell me, DARLING, what good would one railroad do you if I have the other three?" demanded Angel.

"Oh SWEETY, it's not a matter of me having one, its about you not having all four," replied Sam, tossing her dark blond, almost not blond hair off of her face. (a pointless gesture, seeing as how it fell right back as it had been only moments later…)

"Wow," Cindy commented, "only you two could use words commonly used to show affection to argue with each other."

"Oh," laughed Spike, "you should have seen them BEFORE he got a soul. When they argued, people tended to die."

"Oh Spike," laughed Cindy, "I'm sure it couldn't have been that bad,"

"I tried to take over the world," announced Angel.

"Me too," Sam admitted.

"Why?" Cindy asked.

"She ate the last piece of cake," answered Angel, hanging his head in shame.

"I did not," argued Sam.

"Oh don't give me that," argued Angel, "I know you did!"

"Actually I did it," Spike informed Cindy. Luckily for him, Sam and Angel were once again beating the crap out of each other, and were to distracted to hear his confession.

"Are they the kind of couple who attempt to kill each other then make out?" asked Cindy.

"……..face it, I've always been better at world domination…" argued Sam.

"Hot too," agreed Angel, he grabbed her and kissed her. After a minute, just as Cindy was about to demand that they get a room, Sam punched him.

"I'm not done fighting yet!" she shouted.

"Me neither!" shouted Angel.

"Oh good grief," sighed Cindy, she turned to Spike, "wanna make out?"

"Oh heck yes!"

...and so they did.

~~

About half and hour later, Sam and Angel were rolling on the floor in a mad fit of laughter, still trying feebly to beat the crap out of each other. While Cindy and Spike appeared to be wrestling.

"It's a good thing oxygen isn't a necessity," Sam commented through gasps, Angel giggled like a five year old girl.

"Ew you guys," complained Sam when she saw Spike and Cindy, "get a room!"

"I'm wrestling!" argued Spike.

"With her face," Sam said pointedly.

"There's only a few more hours till sunset," commented Cindy, she glanced around the room noticing the Monopoly pieces everywhere, "we should clean up a bit."

"What happened?" demanded Spike, "it looks like a bomb went off in here."

Rastis clawed out from under the couch, and appeared to be choking. Cindy scooped him up in her arms, just as he hacked up the racecar.

"Isn't he cute," gushed Cindy, petting Rastis on the head.

"Um," commented Sam, uncommentally.

"We should try to leave now," suggested Angel, "hopefully the midget murderers are gone."

"I think we scared them," replied Spike.

"I don't know," sighed Cindy, rubbing the cat, "they seem pretty serious about their cause."

"Good thing we're headed north," decided Spike, "because I don't think it will work."

"Yeah," agreed Sam, "I know a thing or two about world domination, that guy doesn't stand a chance."

"And if Hell freezes over and his crazy scheme works?" demanded Cindy, "What then?"

"We'll just have to burn that bridge when we come to it," replied Sam, "but for now, lets focus on getting to Seattle alive."

"Now that sounds like a plan," decided Spike, "lets go now before morning comes and burns my ass."

~~

~~

Thanks everyone who read that first chapter, I really appreciate it. This chapter offers some insight into our characters plans for the near future, but expect some surprises in chapter three. The vampires go to Seattle, but unexpected circumstances and some unique characters lead them to Forks. That's all I'm saying, you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out more. In the meantime, drop me a review and let me know what you think so far....

......please??


	3. In Which Spike is Mocked by Children

The EPIC Crossover Fanfic.

A/N Drama, comedy, author insertion……random dead guys who pop in when ever they feel like it, this story has it all! I own nothing but the notebooks it is written on. Seriously, I DO NOT own Spike, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, Grey's Anatomy, House, The Lion King, Degrassi, Boy Meets World, Twilight, Tales of the Blode, American Idol, Care Bears, ROUS', Charlie the Unicorn, The Wizard of Oz, Xena, Star Wars, Chief Boola Boola the Island Dweller from a question on some Physics homework I did a year ago, any of the historical figures and former presidents of the USA, Lord of the Rings, American Pie, or anything else you may recognize.

Also, this story is alot funnier if you think of everybody IN character and then mentally picture them behaving like this.

**CHAPTER 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111!!!**

So they found yet another bus, this one actually going the right direction, and away they went. Leaving the town of Ooh Camel Camel Camel, and all of its moronic inhabitants far, far behind.

"Oho, look at that!" Cindy was looking out the bus window. Though she'd seen it all before, she was still fascinated by the various inventions of modern times, "and that! Do you see that?"

Spike rolled his eyes, he didn't share his girlfriend's enthusiasm, "yes, I see it."

"But what about that? And that! Oho, and THAT!" other people on the bus were now staring at her, obviously wondering how she could be so energetic this late at night,

"Cindy, yes, we've seen it all," Spike pulled her close and wrapped his strong arms around her in sort of a restraining hug.

"So?" she mumbled, allowing herself to be restrained, "It's still neat."

Spike chuckled, but didn't let go.

"Are we there yet?" Angel's voice came from behind. He didn't like buses.

"No," Sam replied, the single word coated in lethargy.

"Okay," Angel now sounded completely monotone, "this bus is so slooooow."

"Get over it," Sam leaned forward and rested her head on the seat in front of her, "I'm thirsty, we should have taken out more of those 'midget hunters'."

Cindy and Spike were now playing patty cake, their arms flying a mile a minute, completely distracting them. Leaving Sam and Angel nothing to do but talk.

Sam found a girly magazine rolled up on the floor. She opened it and found a crossword puzzle. She became stumped on number three down, and was forced to ask Angel. He of course knew that middle name of the famous actor who starred in that one movie. For the rest of the bus ride, the two sat very close together, hunched over the magazine. When they completed the crossword puzzle, they moved on to Sodoku!

~~

When the quartet of vampires arrived in Seattle, it was less than half an hour 'til daybreak, and it was raining. Sam sniffed the air.

"Ooh, I smell a lawyer," she exclaimed excitedly, "he just returned three small children to abusive parents."

"Okay Sam, you get the lawyer, I'll get the parents, and Angel, you go find a butcher shop," Spike decided.

"I think I'll pass on the lawyer," replied Sam, she was still recovering from her lethargy on the bus and was uninterested in food, "there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge."

"I'm in the mood for something fresh," commented Cindy. Sam chuckled softly.

"He's all yours."

And so, Cindy skipped off to find her lawyer, Spike headed off to chow down the abusive parents, and Angel wandered around the streets of down town Seattle searching for an open butcher shop. Sam began to search for a place to set up the lair.

First she tried the sewers, unfortunately, most of those were already full of nesting vampires. Next she hunted along the outskirts of town for a cave. Finding nothing suitable, she was forced to give up.

As she headed back into town to meet the others, she ran into Cindy who looked very disappointed.

"What's up?" she asked as they got closer.

"Seattle lawyers taste funny," wailed Cindy. Just then, Spike came walking up to meet them, he didn't look very happy either. Behind him trailed three small children.

"Spike!" Cindy reprimanded him.

"Dude," Sam looked at the kids, "you know we only go after lawyers and bad guys, right?"

"Yes, I know," he glared over his shoulder, "they followed me, I couldn't just leave them."

"Who are they?" demanded Cindy, "where couldn't you leave them?"

"And who cut off that kid's left ear?" added Sam, indicating the largest of the three children, who indeed, had no left ear.

"They're the kids of those foul parents," Spike said as if it were obvious, "the mother was a drunk and their father was a heroin addict."

Cindy cringed.

"But what about the ear?" Sam persisted.

"I don't know……" Spike went on, "they tried to keep up with me when I ran, it must have been when we crossed the set of the new Harry Potter movie-"

"Wait," Cindy cut him off, "Why are they filming Harry Potter in Washington?"

"Good question," Sam mused, "perhaps its simply the author's attempt to keep the plot of this story as confusing as possible."

"Seems likely," Spike shrugged, inclining his head.

"Someone really needs to get that Potter kid some Head-On," commented Sam, thinking out loud.

"What?" demanded Cindy, unaware of the fact Sam was actually talking to herself.

"Head-On," explained Sam, miming the act of applying a tube of something to her forehead, "apply directly to the forehead."

"Oh dear Lord! Please, NO!" Spike exclaimed, putting his hands over his ears. Obviously he'd seen the commercials and an been as annoyed by them as the rest of humanity. The three children mimicked him.

"Ha!" Sam laughed, "looks like you got a couple of copy-cats."

"Copy-Cats," the three kids said in unison.

"Don't do that," Sam's red eyes gleamed with menace. The children looked shocked, then cowered behind Spike, who laughed this time.

"Anyway," Cindy broke in, "what are we going to do with them?"

"Oh dear God," Spike groaned, yet again. The girls looked to see what he was talking about, then Sam abruptly burst out laughing hysterically.

Angel was skipping down the lane, swinging a bag of blood, and SINGING…..sort of. He was 'tra-lalalalalala'-ing.

"Tra-la-la-la-la, I've got BLOOD!" Angel sang happily as he approached them. He then proceeded to drop the bag and tackle Sam.

"Oof," she grunted as she hit the ground rather hard, Angel grinned stupidly down at her.

"You're pretty," he announced, Sam rolled her eyes.

"It's official," declared Spike, "we gotta get out of here."

"What are we going to do about THEM?" demanded Cindy, eyeing the kids, who were still cowering behind Spike, "can we take them back where you got them?"

"Where did you get them?" Sam asked, her voice sounded strangely muffled, almost as if there was a large man sitting on her.

"You have the nicest blue eyes," Angel continued, (even though Sam's eyes were kinda red at the moment) "no, they're green!"

"Alright, so we take the kids back to Forks," said Spike, "Then what?"

"We leave them at a hospital, someone there will know what to do." replied Cindy.

"Forks rhymes with sporks!" exclaimed Angel, stupidly. It was like he were drunk, or otherwise intoxicated, "And corks, and dorks, and um, pork! And stork, and xork!"

"Xork isn't a word, numbskull," groaned Spike, pulling Angel off of Sam.

"It could be," Angel defended his word.

"I think I liked him better when he was trying to destroy the world," Sam muttered to Cindy, who nodded her agreement.

"Evil Angel is better than Blithering Idiot Angel any day," agreed Cindy.

"It's this place," declared the smallest of the children, "it's evil."

"Great," spoke three voices in unison, meaning which ranged from sincere to extremely sarcastic.

"Look mom," cried Angel, tugging on Spike's arm, "it's an EMO!" Spike glanced at the lamppost Angel was looking at.

"Right."

Then, out of nowhere, there appeared a large blue monkey standing on it's hind legs. Seeming almost animated; the monkey held a large stick, attached to a gourd.

"Who the bloody Hell are you?" Spike demanded.

"You follow ol' Rafiki, he knows the way!" announced the monkey.

"The way to where?" grumbled Sam.

"The place where all of your dreams come true!" cried Rafiki, shaking his gourd to punctuate every word. Quick as lightening, Rafiki whacked Angel with his stick.

"Ow!" shouted Angel, rubbing a spot on his head, "what the-"

"You do not drink blood of goat!" shrieked Rafiki.

"Sorry, I forgot," grumbled Angel, now seeming to be himself again, "who are you?"

"You follow, you see!" answered Rafiki, turning to lead the way to some undisclosed location, "you know!"

"Well that's about a clear as-," Cindy thought for a moment, "something really, really unclear." However, she made no attempt to follow.

Rafiki whacked her with his stick.

"Ow!"

"Let's go," commanded Rafiki.

They exchanged glances of indecision.

"Ahh, whatever," Sam sighed.

"Well, at least you know where we're going," Cindy pointed out to Spike.

"True-" he started, but was cut off by the monkey's staff making contact with his head.

"No!" shouted Rafiki, "Rafiki knows de way! You follow Rafiki!!"

"Okay," Angel said.

"But can YOU keep up?" Cindy asked the monkey. She then proceeded to grab Spike's arm and start running.

Angel grabbed Sam's hand.

"We'll take the bus," he said. Sam gave him a side glance.

"Not a chance," tightening her grip on his hand, she took off after Cindy.

Rafiki stood there a moment and watched them disappear.

"Drat!" he ferociously shook the gourd, then disappeared as well.

~~

~~

About half way between where they had started and where they wanted to go, Cindy hit what seemed to be an invisible wall. A second later, Sam hit it as well.

"Haha," Rafiki was having a fit of hysterical laughter, shaking his gourd all the while.

The four vampires glared angrily at the monkey as he let down the shield, walked over, and whacked each of them with his gourd.

"OW!"

"Rafiki knows de way!" shouted Rafiki, "You follow RAFIKI!!"

"Okay," replied Spike, rubbing the sore spot on his head, "we will."

"Say it!" shouted Rafiki, hitting him with the stick.

"What?" demanded Spike, wondering exactly what this monkey wanted him to say.

"You will follow Rafiki," repeated the monkey, "Say it!"

"Say what?"

Whack.

"Say it!"

"What?!"

"You will follow Rafiki!"

"Okay!"

"Say it!"

"What am I supposed to say?!"

Whack.

"Ow!"

"Give me that," ordered Sam, strolling over to Rafiki, she took his stick away. Turning to her friends, "lets go."

And so they ran, leaving Rafiki by himself, without his stick.

~~

Having absolutely no idea what she was going to do with Rafiki's stick, Sam put it in her bag. She figured that if they should ever need an extra long poking device, the stick would be perfect.

~~

Cindy, Spike and the three kids were the first to arrive in Forks. Figuring that Sam and Angel had taken a wrong turn and gotten lost, they decided that they should go ahead and take the kids to the hospital.

When they arrived, the children refused to part with Spike, so he showed them his 'vamp face' and they stayed put. As he and Cindy were on their way out the door, someone came up behind them.

"Hello!"

.......

Next Chapter: The Vampires meet the Cullens. Do they get along? Will there be a big fight? You'll just have to wait and see.

**_REVIEW_**!_!!!!!!!!!!!!_**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**!_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

...please?


	4. In Which Spike and Emmett Wrestle

The EPIC Crossover Fanfic.

A/N Drama, comedy, author insertion……random dead guys who pop in when ever they feel like it, this story has it all! I own nothing but the notebooks it is written on. Seriously, I DO NOT own Spike, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, Grey's Anatomy, House, The Lion King, Degrassi, Boy Meets World, Twilight, Tales of the Blode, American Idol, Care Bears, ROUS', Charlie the Unicorn, The Wizard of Oz, Xena, Star Wars, Chief Boola Boola the Island Dweller from a question on some Physics homework I did a year ago, any of the historical figures and former presidents of the USA, Lord of the Rings, American Pie, or anything else you may recognize.

**Chapter 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

As Sam and Angel wandered aimlessly through the streets of Forks, they appeared to be in deep conversation.

"I knew I shouldn't have let you read the map," grumbled Sam.

"Hey!" argued Angel, "I got us here, didn't I?"

"Yeah," replied Sam, "after we went to Sporks, Idaho."

"I made a mistake, I'm sorry," complained Angel.

"You almost dusted yourself," replied Sam, "seriously dude, what were you thinking?"

"I didn't know I was gonna be day light!" exclaimed Angel, "Seattle has warped my day-dar."

"We've only been here one day!" groaned Sam, "you're two hundred and fifty years old, you have got to be more careful!"

"You're only two days younger than I am," replied Angel.

"Yeah, but I'm not the one who will burst into flame when touched by sunlight," explained Sam.

"True," Angel admitted, "I just need to get used to the time change."

"Just don't take unnecessary risks," replied Sam.

"Sam!" Angel exclaimed in mock surprise, "you almost sound like you care!"

"My bad," sighed Sam, catching his joke and playing along. He smiled stupidly, put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close as they continued.

"So where are we going?"

Sam sniffed the air, trying to catch either Spike or Cindy's scent.

"They took the kids to the hospital," she answered, then continued to sniff, "that way."

The two walked quickly in the direction Sam had indicated. Shortly after, Spike and Cindy came into view, there was someone else with them as well.

~~

~~

"…..Hello!"

Cindy and Spike stopped and turned around, for it was clear that someone wanted their attention quite badly.

"I'm Doctor Carlisle Cullen," the man extended his hand first to Spike, then shook with Cindy as well, his handsome face lingering on her scarlet eyes for as fraction of a second longer.

"Can I help you?" he smiled, but before they could reply, another voice rang out of the night.

"Yo! Spike!" it was Angel. Sam, half a step in front of him, accentuated her eye roll with a sigh.

Spike rolled his eyes as well, "Have you been drinking goat-" Cindy elbowed him in the ribs before he could finish this statement, "-milk. Goat milk again?"

"What are you-" Angel started, but was interrupted by Sam stomping on his foot.

"Morons," Cindy mumbled inaudibly, then turned back to Dr. Cullen, who was still smiling. However, there was something more behind his honey colored eyes and friendly smile. Cindy also noticed that Sam was discreetly trying to get her attention.

"He knows," she mouthed. Cindy nodded her agreement, and eyed the doctor with increased interest.

AN HOUR LATER………………….

Carlisle had somehow convinced the four to come home with him. They now sat, squished together on a leather sofa, and proceeded to tell him their life stories. Though, none of them were quite sure why they felt compelled to do so.

"I was an awful poet," Spike reminisced.

"Hey," Cindy interjected, "I liked your poems."

"I know you did," sighed Spike, semi regretfully, "who was that girl I wrote them for?"

"I don't remember," Cindy said shortly.

"Please continue," urged Carlisle, "my family should be home soon."

"Anyway, she informed me that I was 'beneath her'. Can you believe that?" Continued Spike.

"So then you left the party," added Cindy.

"And I got bit," finished Spike.

"You didn't GET bit, Spike," sighed Cindy, "you saw a pretty girl, and you LET her bite you."

"Well if you're gonna get technical about it….." muttered Spike, "and what about you?"

"I left the party shortly after you did," explained Cindy, "my story is pretty much the same as yours, only, my sire wasn't insane."

"Your sire was insane?" Carlisle asked Spike.

"Yes," Spike answered, "and it's all Angel's fault."

Carlisle looked expectantly at Angel.

"I just really wanted to torment the girl," Angel shrugged, "so I killed everyone she cared about, then finally I sired her."

"And that girl would be you?" Carlisle asked, looking expectantly at Sam.

Sam almost choked as she bit back her laughter.

"Oh no," she replied, "ha, I was just the friend who held her down while he tortured her puppy."

"They used to be evil," Cindy interjected for Carlisle's benefit.

"USED to be evil?" Carlisle persisted.

"Yeah," Sam shrugged, "being evil got boring after awhile. Death and destruction gets old after a couple of centuries." Angel nodded his agreement.

"What about you?" Carlisle turned to Spike, "What's your evil factor?"

"He's a cat person," Cindy answered before Spike could say anything.

"Ah," replied Carlisle, as if this explained anything.

Everyone watched as Rastis crawled out of Spike's pocket and climbed up on his head.

"Like terms have to have the same variable," Sam said suddenly, sounding dazed and somewhat monotonous.

"What the heck?" demanded Cindy.

"Sorry," Sam grunted, pushing her reddish brown hair off of her face.

"Weren't you blond earlier?" asked Spike.

"It changes sometimes," Sam shrugged.

Carlisle cleared his throat, causing everyone to turn their attention back to him.

"How about we continue our discussion when the rest of my family gets home," he suggested, "BONES is on!"

"Ooh, yay!" exclaimed Cindy.

Angel looked extremely pissed.

"Dude, chill," said Spike, "I know it pisses you off when your girl gets all drooly over Agent Booth, but you have to let that go."

"I do not get drooly," Sam scowled, her eyes glued to the flat screen.

"Yeah," agreed Cindy, "besides, the only reason she watches this show is because that guy looks exactly like you."

"You've got to be kidding me," groaned Angel.

"Shhhhh……." hissed Carlisle.

"I don't look anything like that guy," Angel muttered, slouching down on the couch.

"Hey Carlisle!" the front door burst open and there was a person standing behind the sofa before anyone was able to comprehend where the noise was coming from. "Who are our guests? And why are you watching BONES? It's time for Big Brother!"

"Good evening Emmett, "these are our guest from…..?" He paused, implying that one of the four others should answer.

"We last stayed in Iowa," Cindy said with a big smile.

"Yeah yeah, Indiana, whatever, You!" the Dark, wavy haired vampire pointed to Spike, "How strong are you?"

"What?" Spike was bewildered.

"Fight me!" Demanded Emmett.

"Huh?"

"Let's wrestle!"

"Um," Spike started to reply, but before he could get it out, he found himself with an arm load of Emmett. "Oompft."

"Ow," exclaimed both Sam and Cindy, who were seated on either side of him.

"Maybe we should sit over here," suggested Angel, moving to a Lay-Z-Boy in the corner, and pulling Sam into his lap.

"You guys are so cute together," gushed Cindy, right before she plopped down on top of them.

A coughing noise came from Carlisle, but it was obvious he was stifling a laugh.

"What th- who are you?" Spike finally managed to get some words out between Emmett's advances.

"I should be asking you that," Emmett grinned as he moved to pin Spike's arms behind his back. But Spike moved a fraction of a second faster and grabbed Emmett's wrist and twisted his arm back around his shoulder.

"Who are you?" Spike demanded again.

"I'll tell you if you win," replied Emmett.

"Fine." Spike agreed.

"Well this is amusing," Cindy commented, watching the tangled mess that was Spike and Emmett. Sam and Angel nodded agreement.

"What's all this about?" a new voice had entered the room, a woman was now standing next to Carlisle.

"Ah, hello Esme," exclaimed Emmett, as he looked up from his dual with Spike. Spike took the opportunity to catch him off guard. Everyone laughed as he attempted to pull Emmett's leg over his head.

"I win," announced Spike. A loud thud was heard from outside the house, followed by a feminine squeal. Carlisle and Esme rushed to the back door. Sam, Cindy, Spike, Angel and Emmett following close behind them.


End file.
